Some days are just hard

I am different. My husband and I will be celebrating 9 years of marriage this month. It has been a wonderful marriage and we continue to seriously fall more in love. We both long for children in our lives. It is not a desire to be complete or make our family complete but because simply we love children and know that God has placed that desire into our hearts. Every time I take a step toward receiving fertility help God says NO. I know that the Lord has this in His hands but some days I feel like his hands are closed so tightly that it may never happen. Those are the hard days. Seriously I am fine most days. I have the hope of the Lord in my life. There is so much to be thankful for and so many people to love. This is the story. When Pete and I got married we said a prayer, asking God to be in control of our marriage and the children that we would have. We have never used any form of birth control and no form of fertility treatment.( Although many times I have been tempted to pursue fertility treatment) I just don't know what to do some days... you know the days when it is hard. The problem is that on those days when I think about being without children it makes me think that I am a failure in other aspects of life. Like God am I not serving you right, do I not pray enough, do I watch the wrong things, do I say the wrong things, have my feet journeyed somewhere that you do not approve? Is my time serving in ministry insufficient? Those questions are heavy ones for me and even though I know that answers, even though I know it is not me earning anything in life, they still weigh heavy on my heart. Last week made 2 years that we lost our baby by miscarriage. I don't even remember what it felt like to be pregnant. I don't even have that. I look around and see all of these dead beat moms with their beautiful children in foster care and they seem to have absolutely no problem popping kids out. Why? My mom told me once that it was because I have allowed God to be in control of my life and He knows when it is best for me to have a child. She is right but it is hardly comfort on those days. I know I should not feel this way but I am only human. The Bible gives us several stories of infertility. I can identify with Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth, and Rachel. I know their pain. I know that like them my pain will end in joy. So on the hard days I remember the scripture that God led me to:
Psalm 113:9
He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.


One day the hard days will end. Until then I will look to God for my comfort and press into his presence for wisdom and strength.